I Don't Want to Run Anymore
A letter about choice and the will to stay
To the deep thinkers,
Welcome to the Deep Thinkers Newsletter: A collection of essays dedicated to going beyond the surface.
If you’re new here, check out the Deep Thinkers archive.
Author’s Note:
This essay is a letter to myself, one that was cathartic to write, and one I felt I had to share. It’s different from my typical essay structure, and it touches on difficult topics, including thoughts of suicide. If you’re not in the right headspace to read something that heavy, I completely understand. I don’t share this because it’s clean or resolved. I share it in case you’ve felt the same weight, in case you need to hear the very same thing I needed to hear.
I needed a wake-up call, and I got one. Huge shout out Adam PT, whose essay, Newly Sober? Good. Now Let’s Cut the Bullshit was the spark that lit this fire.
This letter isn’t about wallowing in self-pity. It’s not about surrender. No, it’s about harsh truths. But it’s also about the ray of light that shines through, as long as one can persist.
—Jon ♾️
I am ashamed.
I am ashamed that I've let fear win.
I am ashamed of my lack of discipline.
I am ashamed that I've lost the battle with lust.
I am ashamed of who I've allowed myself to become.
Listen closely, when you are the problem, you can also be the solution. But first, you must be brutally honest and admit that you are where you are because of your choices.
Stop with the self-pity.
Knock it off with the self-loathing.
And for the love of God, stop numbing yourself.
The temporary rush, the high, the "escape" never leaves you feeling any better. In fact, think about how often the chase to feel good has left you feeling emptier. And because you've felt so empty so often, you've continually had nothing to give those who've needed you most.
This isn’t about you being an introvert or valuing solitude. You can't deal with other people because you have become a husk of a human being yourself.
Just look at all you’ve done.
Relationships have crumbled. Friendships faded. Even your sense of self and your dreams have become casualties of your addiction, your addiction to running, to not feeling bad.
Ask yourself: What has cowardice ever gotten you? Where has running away from the true work, the tough conversations, and the emotions brought you?
Your fear-driven choices have brought you to a place where you are deeply unhappy with the state of your life. That's the truth. That's the world you've created for yourself.
You are unhappy with your reality, a reality of your making. So what do you do? You get high. You give in to lust. You avoid, suppress, and abandon. You do anything you can to avoid feeling what is.
Well, years of running...years of numbing yourself have only made things worse. Now you're standing in a life you can't run from, unless you do one of two things: face the truth and become the solution, or check out for good.
And let's be real. The scared part of you has been leaning toward the second option more than you'd like to admit. Why? Because every morning, the weight on your chest feels heavier. Sometimes, the darkness whispers: “It’s too late.” You believe it. You regret the wasted years, the hearts you broke, the chances that won’t come again.
And so, you don't see a way out. You can't see the light.
But all is not lost. There is some good news. Right here, right now, you are lucid enough to see your role in the state of your life.
The pain of your reality is as intense as it’s ever been, but your awareness is also 100x what it's ever been. Part of that is that the sources you've used to escape have lost much of their potency. And though the Grim Reaper has been calling you, you are still here.
Believe it or not, existential courage courses through your veins. Writing these words means something. It means you care about the way you've lived your life. You want to do better. You want to change.
I know you don't feel good, mentally or spiritually. I know you are tired of being you. I know you wake up and you don't want to be here. I know you feel so much regret that it physically hurts sometimes.
But what if...
What if you are capable of greatness? What if this is the part of the story where things hurt a whole lot, because to fix anything that is so in ruins, it has to hurt this bad?
It's not supposed to be pain-free or easy. But you can't go out like this—miserable, numb, and living life from a place of pure fear.
But how exactly do you turn things around?
Stop trying to “feel good” all the time
It's paradoxical in a way, but true. That is what delayed gratification is: denying the quick hit of pleasure or fun today, choosing the boring, less glamorous, or uncomfortable path now, so that you are better positioned in the future.
Meditate on who you will become
When you were younger, impulsive choices were excused, maybe even expected. But now? Now every decision carries weight. Before you act, ask: If I make this choice, who will I become? You won't always get it right, but you can still choose in a way that honors the person you want to be.
Stop ignoring your inner call
Your soul has been acutely aware of the wrong you've done to it. It has been screaming for you to pay attention, to course correct, to stop and feel for one second. But you tried to charge ahead instead. Listen. Really listen this time. Honor the call and stop running.
Keep showing up
This release of emotions on the page is a good start, but it doesn't end here. We've been here before, in different permutations. Enough is enough, though. Commit to the path of real healing, and then commit again and again and again, day after day. Build the calluses you'll need for those seasons when life gets exponentially tough, and the urge to reach for that which numbs your senses becomes strong. Be resilient. That is the only way you will survive.
You've worked on your body and your mind, but what of your spirit? How can you expect to make choices rooted in your values when your spirit is decaying? When you don't live according to those values? You can't. You haven't.
That is why you're facing the mountain in front of you right now. Climbing it requires you to recognize that you are the problem. That is the first step.
Acknowledge that you are the problem, not for the sake of self-defeatism, but to recognize the power you hold over your future. Who you are today is the result of your past choices, and so to become someone you can be proud of, to live in a reality you don’t need to escape from, make choices that align with the kind of person you want to become.
It won't be easy. It's not supposed to be.
It's not too late, but nobody is coming to fix your mess for you. You've been running long enough. Stop and become the solution. Learn to make the kind of choices you can be proud of. And maybe—just maybe—you’ll find the greatness that’s been waiting within you all along.
If this essay resonated with you, consider supporting my writing journey! You can ‘buy me a coffee’ using the link below 👇🏾
Much love,
—Jon ♾️
Sorry to hear you’ve been going through some dark times. You talk about choice and self-responsibility a lot there. This is also what saved me. When I truly understood I always have a choice, and that all choices have consequences, I started to choose my way out. Applying that logic, daily, plus time and a boat load of patience, means negative consequences fade, and the new positive ones grow because you put them there. You chose them into being (as you did with the negatives). Over time, reality shifts. It always shifts, but over say 1 or 2 years, you could be a different person living an entirely different life. All because of choice. All because you chose differently. Keep on.
I love your handwriting Jon!!! I also loved this wisdom, thank you so much for being here:
"when you are the problem, you can also be the solution"